When I wasn’t useful anymore.

I used to work for you, well it’s not like you ever paid me – Yeah, the occasional lunch or a movie (literally only 2), but never clear renumeration for the work I was doing. It was nothing amazing mostly stocktake, packing and unpacking boxes and seeing as I was only working part-time at that point I guess, I did have the time to help you. The way you stringed me along through the four years of work, was easy for you “when we are up and running, we will actually hire you”. Meaning when your business finally took off, you would hire me full time. Well after four years I sort of gave up… moved on and began my career, not that I was waiting for you “to get big”, but I understood how this business worked and it was an easy solution to the becoming of age trope, “get a job”!

I still worked for you occasionally, but instead of being a weekly arrangement this became more a monthly thing. As I started working full-time I was naturally just less available to you. Eventually you did hire someone (only 3-6 months after I had stopped being so available to), I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t even angry. I was simply just disappointed. In a way I understood why you didn’t hire me, I had started working full time and I wasn’t going to be available when you needed me. However, some acknowledgement of what I had done, would have been nice – even just a hey thanks for helping us out back then… it wouldn’t have needed to be any grand gesture, just a. simple thanks would have been enough.

Week after week, I had been there – I had helped in extreme cold and heat, sick or no sick – I turned up and helped. I work tirelessly and without complaint. At the time it didn’t matter to me, I was helping someone from the ground up. But it did feel like a slap in the face that you didn’t even take the time to acknowledge that I did something to help you and your business get started. The biggest disappointment came later though, when I started working full time, and you stopped contacting me altogether, so seeing as I wasn’t there to be pushed and pulled to suit your every need – you stopped inviting me to all the social outings, no more movies, no more dinners….. It was amazing how after 3 short months, I went from seeing you three times a week, to seeing you maybe three times a year.

My sister never understood, we had quite a few tiffs over it early on. I was happy you had hired her, she needed to work far more than me – and she has a more fluid schedule in the sense that when you call she is usually available to help out. She is a great worker and often you take advantage of her – but knowing how delicate the arrangement was for me, I would never interfere – see I didn’t care when you were taking advantage of me… but now that you are taking advantage of her on a regular basis, I find it very hard to hold my tounge.

It’s funny, if you were a boy I was seeing, I’d have kicked you to the curb a lot earlier, but because you were a friend I let it continue without thought as I thought we were helping one another….     …..pffft, 20-20 hind sight…. I just stopped being useful.



You frustrate me…

Most people see us as best friends, but we are more like sisters. We talk at least a dozen times a day – in fact, most days I talk more to you then my own fiancé. I wish I could figure it all out for you and save you from this turbulent journey. Whats killing me more than anything is you have these moments of clarity where you fully realise what you want from life and in my opinion discover the right way to achieve it, yet in the next breath you turn around and do the same old actions and behaviours that got you no-where, but back in the same place you are now. I watch you get hurt time and time again from romantic prospects who don’t respect you because you are not choosing people worthy of your time, instead favouring those who give you attention and treat you like an object. Although you say this is not want you want, when the choice is in front of you, this is what you choose every time. It’s infuriating to watch, it’s like the growth never happens. I’m not mad, I’m not angry, just frustrated and annoyed that I can’t pull you past this rut, past this stage. I just want you to be happy….